Posts Tagged ‘lazy’

Weigh-in, 167lbs.  Still trapped here due to bad choices.  I will be giving this alot of thought this week to try & figure out how to better stick to the dieting.  Also, holding stronger to the aa hospital signmulti-faceted exercise.  Some of it may be due to frustration.  Some of it may be due to this tremendous depressed feeling that came over me a few days after my fructose test.  Results from all the fun testing I’ve been doing has been slow in coming.  The running stress-test & heart ultrasound with the cardio DR showed nothing wrong with my heart, so far.  Still no explanation of the chest pain when my heart rate goes above 170.  He is pushing, (really hard) for me to have a heart cath done.  I’m afraid, very afraid <<shaking & trembling>> 

aa doctorsLung Dr is refusing to give me understandable info from my chest Xray.  He wants me to see a ENT Dr, because he thinks I have Vocal Cord Dysfunction.  I want him to tell me what the dark stuff I saw at the bottom of my Xray was first.  We’re at a stand-off.  All the other cool tests he ran show my lungs are functioning at 91% capacity, which he thought was great with my age & smoking history.  I’m going today to have an MRI of my back.  Funny thing happened at my internist’s office last week.  I pulled a muscle in my back recently, so we did a back Xray to see what type of damage lifting those boxes caused.  He said, based on the Xray, I probably just pulled a muscle, however

Don’t you just love when that happens.  However… it looks like you have a slipped L5 vertebrae & arthritis of the spine, things that have been going on with your back for a really long time.  So, we want you to go see a neurologist.  The neuro-Dr won’t see me without the MRI  So, after the MRI, I’ll be running off to see the Neuro-Dr.  What fun. 

Just on the off chance that my kids are reading this blog – really consider all the abuse you are giving your bodies right now, little ones.  I know in your 20’s you feel so invinsible and all.  But it appears as though from 45yo – 55yo, you have to spend all your time & energy running around to all these Dr’s, calculating just how much that carefree & reckless lifestyle is really going to cost.  I know you still don’t like listening to me, cuz I’m your mother & all, however

And so I runaa great running

Once we have a clear understanding of how to ease into a training program that incorporates running & how important a role rest & recovery play into it, we are ready to explore being a strong runner.

Let us begin with stretching.  We’ll start with stretching even though it won’t be the first thing you do simply because it will be the first think you think you should do.  Only stretch after the muscles have warmed up (.5 to 1 mile walking, for example)  Be very careful when stretching, you can do more harm than good if you are not knowledgeable about the proper way to stretch. 

Only stretch to the point of mild tension. No stretch should ever be painful.  Stretching exercises are static in nature and should be held for 20-30sec. Do not use bouncing or jerky movements.  Instead lean into the stretch & try not to hold your breath. Normal, relaxed breathing is best.  When done properly, stretching can decrease the chances of an injury but if done wrong, can actually increase your chances of an injury.

aa runner stretchingMuscles should always be stretched slowly, reducing the muscle tension allowing the muscle to be stretched further.  Personally I don’t stretch for cycling, haven’t found a need to yet.  But what I have found with running is stretching is very important.  As I began running I did not stretch & found that my large muscles were way too tight.  I spoke with experienced runners, they discussed why stretching was important.  About elongating the muscle for better performance.


Stand with feet hip-width apart, back straight and stomach tight. Keep the knees slightly bentaa calf stretch
MOVEMENT: Step forward with left foot. Keeping in a straight line from head to the right heel, lean forward but keeping the right heel on the floor. Place both hands on left thigh.
HOLD: Slowly count to 20-30 (repeat twice) Repeat other side. the front leg should be kept over the ankle. Do not hold your breath, breathe gently
SAFETY POINTS: Keep the back straight and the tummy tight. The knee of the front leg should be kept over the ankle. Do not hold your breath, breathe gently.


Caution:avoid this exercise if pain is felt in the lower back aa hamstring stretch
MUSCLE: Hamstring
LOCATION:Rear of thigh
STANCE: Standing up straight, place right foot slightly behind hips.
MOVEMENT:Slowly bend the rear leg as if sitting backwards. keep the front leg straight with a very slight bend at the knee. Place hands on right thigh. Push buttocks backwards, slowly, until you a feel a slight tension in your hamstring. Keep your neck in line with your spine.
HOLD:Count slowly to 20-30 (repeat twice) Repeat other side.


MUSCLE: Quad/Quadriceps Femursaa quad stretch
LOCATION: Front of thigh
STANCE: Two feet together, bend your left knee and with your left hand take the left foot towards your buttock.
MOVEMENT: Slight bend on the supporting leg. Keep the knees close together. Tilt the pelvis forward and keep the back straight.
HOLD: Count slowly to 20-30 (repeat twice) Repeat other leg.


MUSCLE: Chest muscles/Pectorals and Deltoidsaa chest stretch
LOCATION: Chest and Shoulders
STANCE: Stand with feet shoulder width apart and knees slightly bent
MOVEMENT: Grasp hands together behind your back.  Ease your arms gently up behind you.   This should give a feeling of the chest ‘opening’.
HOLD: Count slowly to 20-30 (repeat stretch twice)


MUSCLE (S) WORKED: Erector Spinaeundulatingspinestretch
LOCATION: Lower back
STANCE: Stand with feet shoulder width apart, knees bent with hands on thighs.
Shoulders should be slightly apart.
MOVEMENT: SLOWLY pull stomach in and curl upwards (similar to a cat)
HOLD: Count slowly to 20-30 and return to original position. Repeat twice


MUSCLE: Trapezoids and Latissimus Dorsiaa back shoulder stretch
LOCATION: Upper back
STANCE: Stand with feet shoulder width apart and knees slightly bent.
MOVEMENT: Clasp the hands over head with the palms away from the body. Gently push the palms away without locking the elbows.
HOLD:Count slowly to 20-30. Repeat stretch twice


MUSCLE: Deltoidaa deltoid stretch
LOCATION: Shoulder
STANCE: Stand with feet shoulder width apart and knees slightly bent.
MOVEMENT: Take the right arm across the body at shoulder height, keeping the shoulder relaxed. Place the left hand on the right arm slightly above the elbow and gently bring the right arm towards the chest.
HOLD: Count slowly to 20-30.Repeat stretch twice. Repeat with left arm.


STANCE: Stand with feet shoulder width apart and knees slightly bent.aa all over stretch
MOVEMENT: Raise left  arm overhead.  Slowly begin to stretch upward.  Lower left, raise right & repeat, stretching upwards.
HOLD: Count slowly to 20-30. Repeat stretch twice

Next we’ll go into actual training drills to make you faster & stronger.  Now,  I don’t know anything about running, I am a cyclist.  The information I am providing is different things I am learning as I start running.  If you are new to exercise, it is very important to work with your doctor to begin a successful exercise habit.


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Weigh-in this morning was frustrating.  166lbs.  I wanted to be at 160lbs, but I didn’t make it happen.  Made some more poor choices.  Friday was my ‘fructose sensitivity’ test.   Go to aa css mmmmhospital starving, drink 8oz of pure fructose, breath into this capture bag every 15 minutes for 1.5 hr, then every 30 minutes for 2 hrs.  Leave with your stomach cramping with a ‘I am going to starve to death’  feeling.  Race into gift store on way out of hospital, grab 2 cookies & some chocolate.  Drive fast to Chick-Fill-a’s for not one, but two chicken salad on whole wheat sandwiches.  Race home, while eating & pass out for a 2.5 hour nap.

So, no riding Friday.  We did ride 24 miles & ran 2.75 miles Saturday.  Sunday I used some other riders as an excuse to short my long ride, to give my back a rest.  I did 28 miles.  That was probably a good thing.  Joined everyone after the ride & had a large blackberry cobbler with ice cream.  That was definitely a bad thing.  I am 32 days away from the surf/spin event.  Having trouble being positive, but I will do it any way.

And So I Run

runners 7Running is an excellent way to get in shape & lose weight.  For me, it’s a great way to cross-train & burn extra calories.  Having a definable goal makes training better.  It gives you a more finite feeling to your training as well as something to look forward to.  So, The Guy & I are beginning to run.  (no, that is not me or him in the photo)  Actually we’ve been at it since June.  We began with walk/runs, and gradually worked our way up.  I am comfortably at a point where I can run a half mile without stopping.  I do 3 mile runs, walking for 3 minutes at each half mile point.  I don’t include the walking in the distance measured.

A 5K is a good choice for a first race because of its relatively short distance and because it is the most common race distance. There should be no trouble finding a 5K race in your area at most times of the year.  You can race at any time of the year, but for your first one you may want to consider a race in the spring or fall, when the temperatures are mild. Begin training with at least 6-8 weeks of time prior to the event. (If you are starting with walking, add an additional 4 weeks to your training time.)

Try to pick a large race for your first one. A larger field will provide a “party atmosphere” that will help motivate and encourage you. A large field will also make new runners less self conscious about where they finish. The large field will provide plenty of runners in the front, middle and back of the pack.

Easy Runsrunners 2

Beginning a new discipline is most successful when you start easy & plan for long-term success. For those of us learning how to run, we’ll start with easy runs. Easy runs should be run at a pace that feels fairly comfortable. You should be breathing hard, but should be able to carry on a conversation. If you are breathing so hard that you cannot talk, you are running too hard. If you can sing, you are running to easily.  (that is definitely not me in the photo)

You will determine your starting point based on what you have been doing fitness-wise. If you have not been doing any physical activity, you may need to consider walking at first. If you need to do this, use the same mileage distance as what you will be running. Walk briskly to increase your heart strength. As the walking becomes easier, and your ankle ligaments stronger (from the walking) begin to perform walk/run/walk/run training. Every week make the walking portion shorter & the running portion longer.

You will reach a point where you are running most of the way, then finally the whole way. Once you are able to run the entire distance, you can begin speed & hill training. Make sure you don’t move into the speed/hill training before you are ready. This will cause an injury or a weak area in your body that will continue to cause you problems.

Starting out, listen to your body. If you start to experience minor muscle pulls, you may be increasing your distance too fast. By taking it easier in the beginning, you will become a stronger runner in the end. At the same time, make sure you push hard enough to see a slow, steady increase in strength, skill & distance. Don’t be too easy on yourself. Once you begin to feel stronger, you’ll be able to push a little harder.

runners 6All work and no play makes Jill an underperforming athlete.

Build rest & recovery into your training program. Doing a modest amount of good-quality work during an extended rest period can totally prevent fitness fall-offs. Because the intense work preserves fitness or nudges it upward, while the added rest permits the repair of muscle cells and the synthesis of new enzymes, mitochondria, and capillaries – things which make you a better athlete! 

Rest and recovery is not the same as skipping a workout. Successful athletes and fitness enthusiasts on every level build this crucial component into their training programs. While you already know that you have to progressively challenge your body with activity if you want to build your fitness, here’s a surprise: the actual physiological gains occur during rest and recovery!

Use rest and active recovery along with proper exercise training, and you will take your workout efforts to new levels and produce greater results than if you concentrate on working, working working. We aren’t talking skipping training, just find a balance and work out at the right level of effort so that you enhance your training results. We’re talking quality training, rather than quantity training.

Note there are 2 types of rest. Complete rest and easy rest. Both are important to increasing your fitness levels and both are very different. Complete rest is just that. The day you do no physical activity at all. Rest. Period. No matter what your fitness level, you need one full, complete day of rest from training each week.  Then there is easy rest, or active recovery. This is also sometimes called an easy day. You still want to spend the usual time training, but perform at an easier intensity than normal training.  It’s good to follow hard days up with an easy day, giving your muscles time to recover.  So easy days once or twice a week.  Make them scheduled easy days, not “I feel wimpy, so it must be an easy day“.runners 11

While effort is 50 percent of the training equation, restoration and recovery is the other important 50 percent. To see results, you have to work out at a level of effort that challenges your body, whether you’re doing cardio, strength or flexibility training. However, this does not mean that you have to hurt your body or always work out harder to get results. Without rest, both types, you will not reach your true fitness goals.

So there you have it.  The first part of Run Training.  Next we’ll go into stretching properly.  Keep in mind,  I don’t know anything about running, I am a cyclist.  The information I am providing is different things I am learning as I start running.  If you are new to exercise, it is very important to work with your doctor to begin a successful exercise habit.

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I can’t believe it’s been a whole week since I posted.   Work is vying for my attention.  But I am going to stay focused; on the riding, eating 2000 times a day and blogging about it.  I made a commitment to myself.  If I can’t keep commitments to myself, what good am I to any one?  Weigh-in this morning, 166lbs pre-ride, 165lbs post-ride.  This is a very big milestone for me today.  According to my goal chart, I am supposed to be at 158.5lbs.  6.5lbs off track.  I was supposed to be at 165lbs on June 8th.   That’s 3 weeks off track.  Sad, I didn’t stay on track.  But I will focus on the positive.  I’m not 175lbs or even 170lbs.

I remember the last time I weighed 165lbs.  I thought I’d never get back to this.  It’s disheartening in a way, because 165lbs on me is fat.  And that is so unnecessary.  I never should have let it get this out of hand.  But, it is what it is.  Now I want to focus my energy on losing the weight. 

Hey, this will be fun… how about gross fat pictures of me I’m too scared to post anywhere else???  Sure, there is no humility left  once you’ve blogged to the world about your fatness.  Why not!

180lbs b


This was me in May 2009.  180lbs, largest I’ve ever been in my whole life.  It was 88` that day, really hot.  But I was safe, cuz I had my fat clothes on.  Long sleeves & long pants.  Baggy & dark coloured.  It is my hope that I never get to this weight again in my life.

 (oh, and for all you ‘calories in – calories burned=weight loss’ dummies:  That is me, eating 1800 calories a day & riding 175 miles a week.  The only thing that has enabled me to lose the weight is the meds I’m on.  Kinda blows yer little formula all to hell, eh??) 




This is me during the Tour De Cure May 2008.  173lbs, not a pretty sight.  So to those of you still arguing with me that I’m not fat, here’s the proof!





165lbs ok



This is me riding the MS150 in 2006.  161lbs.  That was back when I thought THIS was fat!  Who knew it would get worse.  Wow, look at how thin Guy was then…



The positive.  There are clothes in my closet I have not worn in a long time that now will fit me.  A whole group of ‘fat’ clothes I bought when I first became fat.  I haven’t been able to wear them until now because I was too big.  Making some progress.  It’s little steps, and I am thankful to God for each one of them he grants me..  This is cool.  And look what else I found in my closet this morning:  IMG_1028


Not only did I find it, I also used it.  See the ‘fat-girl’ impressions on the carpet???  I did core training. 1 five-set, 25 repititions group.  And 1 one-minute plank.  It was amazing!



I think it may have been last week I said I was going to start strength & core training.   I have to find some time tonight to do my shoulder workout.  This is one of the last habits I need to build.  Remember back here:  Habits.  I have to find a way to make weight training doable.  I already enjoy it alot, but I haven’t been able to get started with it again.  Post up a comment if you have any idea what it may be.

I had an epiphany last week.  But it’s such a big one, I haven’t had time to write about it.  Maybe later this week…

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Weigh-in 172lbs.  And I’m actually feeling good about that.  Getting down to 167lbs last week shows me that I am losing, I am able to lose.  It makes me feel good.  Even though I am keeping what may seem like a rigid time-line for this weight loss, I know that it’s not going to be a straight, consistent downhill line.  Little ups & downs are expected.

Yesterday was a cheat day.  This is an old body-building secret.  On a high-protein, quality carb diet you have to find little ways to shock your metabolism so it doesn’t get stuck.  Every two weeks,  you have a ‘cheat’ meal.  So yesterday I had eggs for breakfast,  eggs & oysters for dinner and for lunch I had a ‘normal’ meal.  High calorie (2200 cal), Southwest vegetable roll, spinach artichoke dip with chips and chocolate cake & ice cream.  We ate at Alexanders in the Quarry.  And sure enough, this morning my eyes were practically swollen shut, ankles & feet super puffy & it was really hard to breathe.  It was funny!!  The joys of food allergies.  Total calorie intake for the day was 2600 cal.  That’s only 800 calories more than usual.

Today we make changes and do modifications.  I am going to attempt to take my calories to 1600 daily.  I’m trying really hard not to throw my body into thinking I’m starving.  Keep in mind, I ride A LOT.  I’ve dropped my calorie intake too far down too fast before with similar amounts of exercise and my metabolism slowed WAY down.  So the change is: my 10am & 4pm meals will drop to 300 cal, which lowers the total for the day to 1600 cal.

This week begins mandatory core training & adding weight training.  I have been dreading this for 2 reasons.  One- It seems I’ve lost all my weight-training discipline.  Two- The riding & eating constantly already takes alot of time.  I am going to really have to trim time wasters & become better at time management.  I am trying to stay focused on the fact that it is ok to make short-term sacrifices to improve my overall well being & health.  Truth be told, I just don’t make a happy fat person.  To get started on my changes, I have to do core training for 10 minutes twice every day this week.  Today I will work out my shoulders for 45min-1hr.  That is all I have to do.  <speaking to myself>  That is all you have to do, get to the end of this day having done just those 3 things.  Please.

What Monday would be complete without a rant. 

Imagine, if you will, stumbling onto an Alcoholics Acceptance Support Group blog.  Reading through the posts and comments you find all these people with unhealthy drinking habits that refuse to go to AA meetings because it doesn’t make them feel better about themselves.  After all, any effective AA program is going to require a person to be responsible with their illness, work towards improving their physical & emotional health, along with some level of moderate success.  Right?  The program would be considered a failure if it didn’t require some accountability from the participants. 

But that makes these people feel bad about themselves.  After all, it’s not ‘their’ fault they have this problem.  They have a family history of alcoholism, and we live in such a toxic world.  It’s really difficult for them to get better.  Shrouded in emotional issues that they can’t help, they need someone to understand them, to accept them.  And they are fed up with all of those hateful, non-alcoholic people trying to give them advice, telling them it’s easy to stop drinking.  So they build a safe haven, an acceptance blog.  A place where they can all go and ‘support‘ one another with their drinking.  

If you read through the rules, no one is allowed to post anything about a possible solution, or to give advice on lifting themselves out of their circumstances.  Do not threaten their victim status.  Their single committed focus is on acceptance.  Love them for their disease, or go away.  Besides, they’re not really unhealthy.  They have just chosen to live their lives to different standards.  And the rest of the world needs to accept that. 

Because we are talking about alcoholism,  the above 2 paragraphs sound ludicrous.  Alcoholics need to understand there are ways to remedy their addiction to alcoholism.  They need to know their family & friends aren’t trying to be mean, they’re trying to get them healthy.  But if you change the topic from alcoholism to obesity, everything gets turned around and suddenly I am being mean for even bringing it up.

Sorry to rant, but I just don’t get it.  I’m talking about the myriad of Fat Acceptance Support Group blogs that I found last week.  Blog after blog after blog, they all scream victim in a loud, shrilling voice.  I know I have no right to even talk about these people, or their blogs, having lived almost all my life being thin & beautiful.  I should be ashamed of myself.  But like I said, I don’t get it.  I had a really not good, bad-bad childhood.  From all accounts I could have left home & spent the rest of my life trapped in addiction, pity & excuseable failure.  Upon hearing the circumstances of my childhood, most people would have said it was understandable for that to happen.  Heck, one of my sisters did just that.  And we don’t blame her, we all understand the emotional issues she had to live with.  We accept her.  (she has acceptance, but not happiness)

By the same token, I have another sister.  She did not allow her circumstances to hold her back.  She did a truly amazing job of overcoming our circumstances and moving on to build a happy, successful life.  She did a much better job than I did.  She has been an inspiration to me all of my adult life.  You see, we are survivors.  When you are faced with something bad, you have 2 choices.  You can crawl into a fetal position & give up or you can stand up & fight, face your limitations and be an overcomer. 

I wasn’t about to let my difficult start in life get the best of me, no way.  I stumbled around for years tripping over my problems caused by my difficult childhood.  And every time, I picked myself back up, pointed myself in the right direction and started out again.  Knowing full well I was going to have to do it all again in a short period of time.  But I also knew that every time I did, so long as I kept moving forward, I was getting somewhere.  Every step brought me further away from my problems.  I refused to give up. 

I apply that same method to being fat.  I refuse  to accept it.  I won’t play the victim in my own life, that role doesn’t work for me.  I am going to demand better, from myself and from those around me.  My ultimate happiness is not dependent on people accepting  my problems.  It depends on me taking responsibility and overcoming  my problems.  Sorry, but I am tired of overweight people assuming it’s only hard for them.  Let me tell you a little secret, it’s hard for everyone.  Success is 100% results based.  We don’t get credit for trying, we get credit for making it happen.  And if you feel that’s an unfair playing field, then gather up your marbles and go home.  Because this is how the world works.

I don’t make the rules, I just live by them.  All the while, figuring out how to achieve my goals within the confines of rules I didn’t make.  And I totally accept you.  I accept that you have chosen to be overweight.  I accept that you gave up when it got hard.    You see, the world doesn’t hate you because you’re fat, the world just doesn’t care.  The world cares only about achievement and bottom-line results. 

I live in the same world you do.  I know the world isn’t going to accept me.  You’re right about one thing, we are never thin enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, smart enough, young enough.  None of us will ever measure up.  None of us are good enough for the world’s standards.  But the difference between you & me is I don’t allow the world to dictate my value.  I dictate my value.  Fat acceptance seems to be more about the overweight person not being able to accept themselves.  The hate appears to be coming from within.  Crying out about how hard life is, how mean everyone is.  How no one understands them.  How unfair it all is- to them.

Jeez, I wish the hardest thing I ever had to overcome in my life was a weight problem.  Unfortunately for me, that was not the case.   Many people are dealing with emotional problems.  Overweight people haven’t cornered that market.  Maybe you just need to learn some acceptance.  The world is hard – for everyone.  Accept it.  I think the best solution I can offer is for you to take a class, get some bridge-building skills.  Draw up some plans, acknowledge it’s going to be hard.  Build that bridge and…

get over it.  That’s what the rest of us had to do.


**Disclaimer** – Many of you that know me may be confused at my assertive tone in the above post.  Let me give you some insight to the world of FA, from my perspective.  This post is just a guy talking about why he is bothered by FA blogs:  http://unfatblog.wordpress.com/2008/05/19/two-faces-of-fat-acceptance/.  He does a better job explaining things than I do.  This next blog kinda highlights the anger & meanness of the FAbloggers: http://kateharding.net/comments-policy/.  She’s pretty vulgar & rude.  That’s gotta be more than just being overweight.  The joy & energy they take in putting someone in their place is what got me upset in the first place.  April & I have had a chance to ‘talk’ at each other,   we both come from very different perspectives, but I think we are making headway with each other, as evidenced here:   http://roundshape.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/fun-and-hair/   and here:  http://roundshape.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/what-does-time-change/  (scroll all the way to the bottom of that one).  You can see in her ‘well-crafted’ response how defensive she is towards me, though I hadn’t even attacked her.  Instead of just speaking from the heart, she has to work at trying to diminish me to her blog-followers.  I am gaining an understanding of her defensiveness, so I crossed that line out.  April is at least one that is making an attempt at listening to others perspectives.  I appreciate that.

For many of the other blogs, it is still alot of bitterness & anger.  Is that an example of the ‘loving’ attitude they want us to exhibit towards them?  I had hoped I could have engaged in useful conversation with women that had more experience with being overweight, that I could gain a healthy understanding of what to look for, how to succeed.  They are far too closed off to offer any insight.  They take offense at just about everything that isn’t blatant agreement with them.  They are just downright unfriendly, simply stated.  They mistake power for aggression.  I really dislike when women do that.  It makes it harder on the rest of us.  People aren’t going to take their demands for acceptance seriously mingled with such anger & mean-spiritedness.  They will do more harm for their ’cause’ than good.  But don’t try to explain it to them.  They already have it all figured out.  How sad.

(edited on June 19th, 2009)

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Ha!!  It IS official!!!!!  I weigh under 170lbs.  Weigh-in this morning was <drum-roll, please>  ta-da, 167lbs!!!!!  Do you realize just last month, I weighed 179LBS??  I am riding strong every day, with limited carbs, thank you!  This feels really good.

Ok, excitement out of the way, time to curl up with a good blog & enjoy some whine.  AAAAHHHHGGGGG, I don’t want to be fat any more!  I am tired.  It is hot.  I want to be able to ride my bike in a tank top.  I want to wear a sundress.  Do you have any idea how long it has been since I wore a sundress??  I want to drive in my car in a sleeveless shirt & not be sweating like crazy every time I go somewhere.  Right now, I don’t do sleeveless.  I want to wear all my pretty clothes.  I am so tired of being frumpy.

I’d like to walk thru a busy store & know I no longer am ‘the fat blonde, in the black shirt’.  I wear black most of the time, or some other dark color.  I wouldn’t be caught dead in say, a yellow?  I want to wear colors… and white.  White is just not a color that works on me right now- I never knew this.  When you’re thin & tan, white is an amazing color.  When you’re thin, all colors are amazing.

Remember last week when I spoke about the massage thing?  Well, I never went.  Because I feel so gross.  I don’t want anybody rubbing their hands all over my fatness, eww.  I mean, what do I do?  Go in with a list: these are all the places that you better not touch me, got it???  Oh, yeah, that would make for a pleasant, relaxing day.  Not.  I have a $200 gift card from the Watermark downtown.  I can’t bring myself to use it.  Can’t bring myself to go in there as ‘a fat woman’.  I don’t want to gross out the poor masseuse.  Now that I am making some progress, I will save it as a reward.  I’m thinking maybe at 160lbs?  That will be something to work towards.

I want to feel normal.  Fat is not normal.  And for anyone reading, thinking, hey- what’s with that, I’ve been overweight a long time, who does she think SHE is.  With all the love & understanding I can send to you, being overweight isn’t normal.  There is a difference between being a healthy weight & fitting into a size zero jeans.  It is important to be at a healthy weight.  I want to feel good about going out at night to listen to live music.  I love doing that.  We used to go out all the time.  We don’t go anymore.  I don’t do out as a fat woman.  It’s just not any fun.

Oh, yeah, and the big one.  I don’t wanna have fat sex anymore.  Fat sex is no substitute for good sex.  Sorry, Guy, it’s just not.  You have been so good & understanding with this, but I hate it.  I want to feel happy about being naked around my husband.  Around myself, for that matter.  (I don’t even do sleeveless when I’m at the house by myself.)  We don’t do naked at our house.  There always has to be something, a tee, gown, sheet, ya know?  (I know, I know, WAY too much info, sorry)  Feeling good about little things, like leaving the lights on.  Wearing cute things, Guy would so love that.  Did love that.  I don’t think they sell lingerie in plus sizes.  And if they do, it doesn’t matter.  I don’t want to wear lingerie in plus sizes.  I could go on, but you get my point I’m sure.

Ok, I’m done whining.  On to what I really wanted to talk about.  Excuses.  What I am finding out is that just about everyone has this little basket where they keep all their excuses for stuff they should do, but don’t do.  Some of us have these ginormous suitcases, too.  We take it with us every where we go.  As if it would die if we left it unattended for just a moment.  (we probably should leave it somewhere,  but where??)  Your excuse basket has been with you for so long, it’s like an extention of your arm, it’s a part of you.  You probably can’t even see yours.  I can’t see mine, but I know it’s there.

That is one of the problems with the excuse basket.  We aren’t able to see it.  We think, logically of couse, that there are really good reasons why we don’t do the things we should.  A high protein diet?  Sorry, can’t do it.  I need some carbs.  I can’t give up bread.  It’s just a little, it won’t hurt.  Exercise?  Oh, I’d love to, but I don’t have any time.  I have other people to do for, take care of.  Write that book?  Take that class?  Spend time on just me?  Go do the one thing in life that will really make me happy?  We have a carefully crafted excu- no, I mean reason, for everything we don’t do but should.

We all have different words we use.  But not different excuses.  They really are all about the same.  Check it out.  Talk to someone this week about something in their life that they are not doing, but should be.  Listen to what comes back at you.  Excuse.  I am one of the worst.  I am so good at rationalizing my excuses.  Heck, I can convince just about anyone.  So strongly convinced myself- look what happened. 

Remember when I said before that I didn’t get fat overnight?  That is true.  There was a point, when my weight jumped up to 150lbs, that I could have done something.  Straight-away.  I should have looked at what was causing me to eat ice cream every day with Guy.  I was feeling overwhelmed by our new relationship.  And I have to be the one that is always on top of things, I can handle everything.  I’m the go-to person.  The fixer.  Nothing’s wrong.  I’m not scared.  My feelings are in check, just bring me home some Hagen-das, would you.

Like I said before, excuses are insidious.  They slither in, we don’t even see them.  Like Satan tempting Eve in the garden.  We all believe the reasons are valid.  But you know what?  If you are unhealthy, if you are unhappy, if you are unfufilled, something ain’t right.  It’s hard to fix it, because, like I said, we can’t see our own basket.  And all the people around us?  They’re too polite.  They mean well, but it would be helpful, if they just gave it to you straight sometimes. 

Let me show you what I mean.  In April,  I admitted I am fat.  Everyone I talk to disagrees – Oh, no, not you, your not fat. etc.  Once I delt with all the polite naysayers, what happened?  Nothing.  The world didn’t come crashing down around me, the planets didn’t realign with the sun, causing an immediate solar melt down, ending life as we know it.  No, nothing bad happened.  And armed with the truth, I was able to find what is really needed to get my weight to a healthy place.  I became ENPOWERED.  And every day, that is where I live.  Do you know what this gives me?  Well, all those things that I whine about will be gone.  I will live a healthier & happier life, probably a longer life.  That is an incredible thing. 

You know, like Dr. Phil said a long time ago: “How’s that working for you“?  Apply that statement to everything in your life.  I’ve been doing alot of thinking about my excuses lately.  And I think that’s making it easier to see them.  I’ve caught myself, during a beginner bike ride, explaining my really good reason for not riding every day.  Well, I gotta work, ya know.  So, work and ride.  Schedule your time better so you can do both.  If we all looked at our schedules, & I mean reallylooked at our schedules, we would find alot of time that we are wasting. 

Removing cable from my house was so freeing.  As much as I enjoyed it, Law & Order never added anything to my day.  CSI may improve the quality of life for the actors on the show, but it does nothing to my quality of  life.   I get so much more done now.  And I think alot better, too.  You’ve all seen me.  Hey, I’m keeping 20 plates spinning all the time.  It wasn’t like that when I had cable.  Isn’t there like 972 channels now?  Go, get up, get outside, breath, go do something fun.  Figure out what you want to do and do it now.  We ain’t gonna be here forever.

We also need to understand, we can’t conquer excuses on our own.  You can’t battle something you can’t see.  Find someone that loves you enough to tell you every time you offer up excuses and get off track.  If you’ve got them, use your kids.  They are the absolute best at cutting straight through your BS and being brutily honest.  I don’t know if they are better at seeing black & white, or if they’re just eager to get you back for all that discipline you gave them.  But either way, they’re the best.  I don’t know, if you don’t have any kids, maybe you can borrow a friend’s or something.

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Weigh-in this morning was a little encouraging.  I was at 171lbs.  Pre-ride.  After the ride, 169lbs.  I know the post-ride weigh-in doesn’t count, but it did feel good momentarily being below 170lbs.  Monday I was supposed to be at 165lbs, so that’s only 6lbs off.  None of this means anything at all, yet.  What I am seeing today is a weight fluctuation.  Not actual weight loss.  When my weight is fluctuating between 160lbs & 165lbs, that will mean real weight-loss. 

After the last 2 weeks I was really having my doubts that I would ever be below 160lbs ever again in my life.  Seeing these small decreases in weight this week has meant so much to me. Really given me hope.  Like I said before, I’m work hard at not being unrealistic.  However, weight gain with dieting and lots of exercise is confusing.

So, I wandered tentatively out into the vastness of the web yesterday and found the most curious thing.  Fat-Acceptance Support Groups.  These are people that want everyone to accept the fact that they are overweight to an unhealthy level.  They have completely given up on themselves, and they require that you join them in understanding this is all they can do, or LEAVE THEM ALONE. 

I spent way more time than I had reading many of their blogs.  It was really sad.  I guess reading their blogs made me feel similar to how all of you must feel reading mine.  I came away from it with a whole new reason for not wanting to be fat anymore.  I don’t want to struggle with my weight long enough to get to where they are.

They have been lied to, harassed, beaten down, kicked, told they have no value, told they are stupid & on & on & on.  It is incredible.  They appear to be in a place they are incapable of escaping from.  And what is sadder is, they cannot be helped.  They are so psychologically beaten down, they can no longer be reasoned with.  My guess is you can only walk down a long dead-end road so many times before your spirit finally breaks.

I wanted to reach out to them, to help them somehow.  I wanted to tell them not to feel the way they do.  Not to give up on themselves.  To tell them to pick a small spot on the side of the road, and one step at a time, begin walking back up that seemingly insurmountable mountain in front of them, focusing only on the tiny little steps they were taking, not concerning themselves with how far they’d come, or how far they still had to go, only on the fact that they were successfully taking one step followed by another.

But I knew it would not do any good.  They are in a truly dismal place.  I will not arrogantly think for one moment that the 3 years I’ve spent being fat gives me any understanding of what to say to them.  I have been blessed most of my life.  I’ve been relatively attractive, relatively thin, relatively successful most of my grown-up life.  My life didn’t start out that wonderful, but God sure did make up for it later on.  So, I was at a loss for words.

Even in the fatness that I find myself in today, I’m still very blessed.  My amazing husband adores me, my friends respect & love me.  One of my children loves me inspite of my weight gain.  Ok, so the other one, you gotta take into account where he’s at in his life.  He is surrounded by really beautiful, really thin, really… uh… voluptuous women, all the time.  He thinks I’m frumpy & overweight.  He said he’s lost some respect for me.  I understand what he means.

Now, I have days where I feel dispair, but that is not a place I reside regularly.  I cannot imagine living there, day in – day out.  This scared me.  Upon gaining this weight, I believed there was nothing worse that could come of it. 

OK, so maybe the little guy at the grocery store doesn’t get all excited about helping me out to my car like he did when I was thinner.  And yes, when I ran out of gas a few months ago, I actually had to call someone to bring me gas because no one stopped to help, that was a first.  So it’s been a while since the gas station guy came running out to fill up my tank at a self-serve pump.  But at least I haven’t lost my will to try.  To fight this weight loss problem with every thing inside me.  To refuse to give in and settle.

I know this, I do not want to feel like I need to belong to a Fat-Acceptance Support Group.  This is like scared-straight.

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How do you come back from a day like Friday?  I’ll start with an update.  Yesterday I weighed in at 174lbs.  This morning, 173lbs.  My initial chart  had my goal for yesterday at 165lbs.  I am 9lbs off.  I will have to add that 9lbs to the 10 weeks remaining to wash it out.  So, now I have the very difficult task of having to add 1 additional pound to each week.  On a schedule that is already not working.  The next 2 weeks will determine whether I need to extend my dieting time or not. 

The chart shows I have to be at 163lbs by this coming Monday.  I will not lose 11lbs in one week, but that is ok.  So long as I can get to a point where I’m losing 1 or 2 pounds a week.  Gaining weight with all this dieting got the better of me last week.  But I am not going to give up.

Since Saturday I have been strongly back on the ‘correct‘ diet.  High-protein, quality carbs.  No Fruit!!  I will be able to eat fruit in September, just not now.  I read over some previous posts and I gotta tell you, they are pretty boring.  Sorry for that.  In an attempt to maintain my focus, I have to get bogged down in details that are just not that entertaining.  Bear with me, it’s all up from here…

Sorting through the myths & hype.  That is starting to look like one of the most important aspects of why dieting is so difficult.  Most people I know are relatively reasonable individuals.  I think if we have facts to go by, we will make smart choices.  It seems as though the higher health-care costs become, the more willing people are to make healthy choices.  Look at how many of us are beginning to quit smoking.  So many people I know are exercising more and eating better food.  I believe it is our nature to take control & work for successful outcomes.  That becomes very difficult when we can’t get true, accurate information.  We walk down these successions of dead-ends.  We jump from one fad to another.  The only consistance we seemingly can find is that none of it is true.

The industry has gotten so deceptive.  They will cloak it in whatever they can to get us to buy it.  Government reports, medical studies and the like.  There is a true, black & white answer to our out-of-control weight problem.  And it’s not in all the hype they are force-feeding us.  I don’t have the answer yet, but it has something to do with metabolism.  Our body’s natural survival system. 

When you modify your metabolism through diet, it takes a few weeks for the changes to occur.  It’s kinda like when the DR gives you certain medicines, how they take several weeks to start to work.  This is true of thyroid medicines, as well as SSRI’s & DRI’s.  Drugs that affect our hormone levels.  So that leads me to postulate the same is true of dietary changes.  (yeah, I know, you’re cringing because I used the word postulate & I’m not even a scientist.)

The acceptance of postulation is one of the issues.  Postulate – pos‧tu‧late – its both a noun & a verb.  As a noun:

  1. Something assumed without proof as being self-evident or generally accepted, especially when used as a basis for an argument.  2.  A fundamental element; a basic principle. (logic) An axiom.  3.  A requirement; a prerequisite

As a verb:  to postulate (third-person singular simple present postulates, present participle postulating, simple past and past participle postulated) 

  1. To assume as a truthful or accurate premise or axiom, especially as a basis of an argument.  2.  To appoint or request one’s appointment to an ecclesiastical office.  3.To request, demand or claim for oneself.

It’s a great word, I just never understood why it became an accepted practice of scientists & doctors.  At it’s root, it means to assume.  When did assumptions become facts.  Look at all of your weight-loss facts.  They are not rooted in scientific accuracies, merely assumptions.  No wonder we can’t get any of it to work.

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