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Posts Tagged ‘sad’

Yes, I cheated yesterday & I’m back up to 168lbs.  Yes, I am not makingaaa girly_girls_lift_weights_tshirt-p235039136489522999gsv1_325

 progress yet, but I’ll get to that in a moment.  So, I’m all excited about the running and then, wait. not so fast…

Here’s the deal with the Dr.  Seems I didn’t mess up my back last month – my back’s been messed up since birth.  Pars defect of spondylolisthesis.  This seems pretty crazy given the fact that my back has always been so strong.  But He’s got the fancy doctor’s office with the PA, nurse, waiting room & all, so I’ll have to acquiesce.

A genetic defect in my spine that I’ve had forever.  This was good & bad news, but mostly good.  Good – no spine fracture.  Bad – vertebrae slippage.  Good – treatment only requires at-home PT.  Bad – no more running.

aaa 0904_woman_with-weight_preview“No Running For You!”  From the exercise nazi.  ( a Seinfeld reference, yeah.)  Remembering I am in a positive place now, no hard feelings.  Deep relaxing breath.  I am so glad I didn’t blow that $165 on those running shoes.  Moving on from here I just need to figure out where to go instead.  I was excited about the running because it was making an impact on the weight loss.  But I think the impact on my spine in future years will be too high a price to pay.  Hmmm, what to do instead.

High repetition weight training.  Core work outs.  Notice how we intuitively gravitate towards what isaaa strength best for us?  My favorite form of exercise has always been weight-training.  Seems with the situation with my spine, this was probably the best, aside from maybe swimming. (I hate swimming in chlorine)  Now, back to the problem I was having a few months ago – why has it become so hard to go upstairs to the gym in my house and weight train?

Well, it seems for now, I have the PT exercising to do as I prepare for my long rides starting next week (OMG, so soon?)  That will keep me busy to begin.  Then I’ll just have to resort to forcing myself through the first few days.  Maybe I can do it like the cycling & give a beginner weight-training class.  Seems like when I have people show up for something, I seem to get the work done. 

IMG_2525-1 reversedMaybe I’ll get back to serious practice with the fire-spinning & belly-dancing. (yes, that’s me in the picture!!)  I guess I just worry that the calorie burn won’t be high enough.  To off-set it, I’ll have to dramatically increase my lean muscle mass.  I gotta tell you, it is hard to ‘feel-the-burn’ when doing hip-shimmy’s & belly-rolls.  Sorry this is such a whiny, boring post today.  Get this off my chest & tomorrow head in a new direction.

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I can’t believe it’s been a whole week since I posted.   Work is vying for my attention.  But I am going to stay focused; on the riding, eating 2000 times a day and blogging about it.  I made a commitment to myself.  If I can’t keep commitments to myself, what good am I to any one?  Weigh-in this morning, 166lbs pre-ride, 165lbs post-ride.  This is a very big milestone for me today.  According to my goal chart, I am supposed to be at 158.5lbs.  6.5lbs off track.  I was supposed to be at 165lbs on June 8th.   That’s 3 weeks off track.  Sad, I didn’t stay on track.  But I will focus on the positive.  I’m not 175lbs or even 170lbs.

I remember the last time I weighed 165lbs.  I thought I’d never get back to this.  It’s disheartening in a way, because 165lbs on me is fat.  And that is so unnecessary.  I never should have let it get this out of hand.  But, it is what it is.  Now I want to focus my energy on losing the weight. 

Hey, this will be fun… how about gross fat pictures of me I’m too scared to post anywhere else???  Sure, there is no humility left  once you’ve blogged to the world about your fatness.  Why not!

180lbs b

 

This was me in May 2009.  180lbs, largest I’ve ever been in my whole life.  It was 88` that day, really hot.  But I was safe, cuz I had my fat clothes on.  Long sleeves & long pants.  Baggy & dark coloured.  It is my hope that I never get to this weight again in my life.

 (oh, and for all you ‘calories in – calories burned=weight loss’ dummies:  That is me, eating 1800 calories a day & riding 175 miles a week.  The only thing that has enabled me to lose the weight is the meds I’m on.  Kinda blows yer little formula all to hell, eh??) 

100_6653

 

 

This is me during the Tour De Cure May 2008.  173lbs, not a pretty sight.  So to those of you still arguing with me that I’m not fat, here’s the proof!

 

 

 

 

165lbs ok

 

 

This is me riding the MS150 in 2006.  161lbs.  That was back when I thought THIS was fat!  Who knew it would get worse.  Wow, look at how thin Guy was then…

 

 

The positive.  There are clothes in my closet I have not worn in a long time that now will fit me.  A whole group of ‘fat’ clothes I bought when I first became fat.  I haven’t been able to wear them until now because I was too big.  Making some progress.  It’s little steps, and I am thankful to God for each one of them he grants me..  This is cool.  And look what else I found in my closet this morning:  IMG_1028

 

Not only did I find it, I also used it.  See the ‘fat-girl’ impressions on the carpet???  I did core training. 1 five-set, 25 repititions group.  And 1 one-minute plank.  It was amazing!

  

 

I think it may have been last week I said I was going to start strength & core training.   I have to find some time tonight to do my shoulder workout.  This is one of the last habits I need to build.  Remember back here:  Habits.  I have to find a way to make weight training doable.  I already enjoy it alot, but I haven’t been able to get started with it again.  Post up a comment if you have any idea what it may be.

I had an epiphany last week.  But it’s such a big one, I haven’t had time to write about it.  Maybe later this week…

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It’s Monday again.  Trudging along, one step after another.  Weigh in for this morning is 167lbs.  I am supposed to be 160.75lbs today.  Almost 7 pounds off.  I am thinking about what to do with that.  I am 3 weeks off.  This is what I should have weighed on June 1st.  Do I continue forward being behind, knowing in the back of my mind that I’m off track.  Do I reset my dates & weights  to reflect where I am at today?  I don’t know what to do.  I wish someone would leave a comment on which they think I should do & why.

More Hype, More Bullsh*t:

Did you see the government changed to food pyramid?  Yes, here it is.

New One food-pyramid new

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old One  Food-Pyramid old

 

 

Oooo0hh, it’s so pretty with all the bright primary colors.  Do you see the differences?  Grain, cereal & pasta is still the largest group.  I don’t understand why they wasted,I mean spent, all that tax money without doing any substantive research on the problems causing obesity.  Cereals & pasta, flour & breads are what is causing the majority of metabolic problems & overweight issues.  They didn’t even spend any money researching that.

Aahh, that excellent math formula.    With this, they don’t have to do any research at all on metabolic changes due to food types.  No discussion on how insulin works in our bodies and how that can be strongly impacted by types of food ingested:

food pyramid scale1

 

There is no factual, unbiased scientific data that supports calories in minus calories burned equals weight loss – every time.  No where does the government allocate any of our money to do proper research for that either.  See, I do believe we have a problem with obesity in America.  But instead of beating up on all the overweight people because they are gluttons that are too damn lazy to lose weight, they should be doing better research to understand what dietary changes are causing such a wide spread problem.

I suspect one reason they don’t is because they are too corporate-friendly.  I read something earlier today that the government research shows Nesquik is a healthy choice of beverage for kids.  Since 50 percent of kids don’t get enough calcium***, Nesquik is a great solution that parents can rely on to get more calcium in their kids’ diet.  Each serving of Nesquik provides all of the nutrition of milk, plus it is specially fortified with essential bone building nutrients such as calcium, Vitamin C, Vitamin B6, Zinc and Biotin.   No where does it discuss the harmfulness of amping your kids up on that much refined sugar.  Look at how much trouble they have discussing how bad fruit juices are due to the refined sugar content.

What can we do about this???

We have some really great things happening.  Twitter, facebook, blogs.  Especially blogs.  I was so impressed to see what a strong vehicle blogs can be for getting new ideas out.  But can we direct the benefits?  Can someone blog about something and really gain media attention?  I wonder about this.  I wonder if regular people will be able to talk about something in a blog and really get a large number of people interested.  Would the media attention really foster changes in say, the food industry, or the government?

You all remember the documetary “Super-Size Me”.  

‘Coincidentally (not) shortly after Super Size Me was released, McDonald’s announced it was going to discontinue it’s Super Size menu. They of course denied it had anything to do with the film.’

So, this brought a small change.  But my husband just told me he thinks they still do some form of super-sizing.  We have a really great thing here in America, we are consumers.  But we have forgotten that is where our strength lies.  Our ability to NOT buy certain products.  What if we were able to organize a tweet up, post info on facebook & advertise it on blogs and hundreds of thousands of people all over the US didn’t go into, say, McDonalds for a day, (or  a week).  And the blog ad could explain that we were doing it to motivate the company to make real changes to their poisonous food.

Could we find a way to influence researchers to do more accurate studies on the relationship to food type & metabolic changes caused by them on a molecular level.  Find a real answer to why so many people cannot lose weight from a normal, healthy lifestyle.

What are your thoughts?????

 

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Weigh-in 172lbs.  And I’m actually feeling good about that.  Getting down to 167lbs last week shows me that I am losing, I am able to lose.  It makes me feel good.  Even though I am keeping what may seem like a rigid time-line for this weight loss, I know that it’s not going to be a straight, consistent downhill line.  Little ups & downs are expected.

Yesterday was a cheat day.  This is an old body-building secret.  On a high-protein, quality carb diet you have to find little ways to shock your metabolism so it doesn’t get stuck.  Every two weeks,  you have a ‘cheat’ meal.  So yesterday I had eggs for breakfast,  eggs & oysters for dinner and for lunch I had a ‘normal’ meal.  High calorie (2200 cal), Southwest vegetable roll, spinach artichoke dip with chips and chocolate cake & ice cream.  We ate at Alexanders in the Quarry.  And sure enough, this morning my eyes were practically swollen shut, ankles & feet super puffy & it was really hard to breathe.  It was funny!!  The joys of food allergies.  Total calorie intake for the day was 2600 cal.  That’s only 800 calories more than usual.

Today we make changes and do modifications.  I am going to attempt to take my calories to 1600 daily.  I’m trying really hard not to throw my body into thinking I’m starving.  Keep in mind, I ride A LOT.  I’ve dropped my calorie intake too far down too fast before with similar amounts of exercise and my metabolism slowed WAY down.  So the change is: my 10am & 4pm meals will drop to 300 cal, which lowers the total for the day to 1600 cal.

This week begins mandatory core training & adding weight training.  I have been dreading this for 2 reasons.  One- It seems I’ve lost all my weight-training discipline.  Two- The riding & eating constantly already takes alot of time.  I am going to really have to trim time wasters & become better at time management.  I am trying to stay focused on the fact that it is ok to make short-term sacrifices to improve my overall well being & health.  Truth be told, I just don’t make a happy fat person.  To get started on my changes, I have to do core training for 10 minutes twice every day this week.  Today I will work out my shoulders for 45min-1hr.  That is all I have to do.  <speaking to myself>  That is all you have to do, get to the end of this day having done just those 3 things.  Please.

What Monday would be complete without a rant. 

Imagine, if you will, stumbling onto an Alcoholics Acceptance Support Group blog.  Reading through the posts and comments you find all these people with unhealthy drinking habits that refuse to go to AA meetings because it doesn’t make them feel better about themselves.  After all, any effective AA program is going to require a person to be responsible with their illness, work towards improving their physical & emotional health, along with some level of moderate success.  Right?  The program would be considered a failure if it didn’t require some accountability from the participants. 

But that makes these people feel bad about themselves.  After all, it’s not ‘their’ fault they have this problem.  They have a family history of alcoholism, and we live in such a toxic world.  It’s really difficult for them to get better.  Shrouded in emotional issues that they can’t help, they need someone to understand them, to accept them.  And they are fed up with all of those hateful, non-alcoholic people trying to give them advice, telling them it’s easy to stop drinking.  So they build a safe haven, an acceptance blog.  A place where they can all go and ‘support‘ one another with their drinking.  

If you read through the rules, no one is allowed to post anything about a possible solution, or to give advice on lifting themselves out of their circumstances.  Do not threaten their victim status.  Their single committed focus is on acceptance.  Love them for their disease, or go away.  Besides, they’re not really unhealthy.  They have just chosen to live their lives to different standards.  And the rest of the world needs to accept that. 

Because we are talking about alcoholism,  the above 2 paragraphs sound ludicrous.  Alcoholics need to understand there are ways to remedy their addiction to alcoholism.  They need to know their family & friends aren’t trying to be mean, they’re trying to get them healthy.  But if you change the topic from alcoholism to obesity, everything gets turned around and suddenly I am being mean for even bringing it up.

Sorry to rant, but I just don’t get it.  I’m talking about the myriad of Fat Acceptance Support Group blogs that I found last week.  Blog after blog after blog, they all scream victim in a loud, shrilling voice.  I know I have no right to even talk about these people, or their blogs, having lived almost all my life being thin & beautiful.  I should be ashamed of myself.  But like I said, I don’t get it.  I had a really not good, bad-bad childhood.  From all accounts I could have left home & spent the rest of my life trapped in addiction, pity & excuseable failure.  Upon hearing the circumstances of my childhood, most people would have said it was understandable for that to happen.  Heck, one of my sisters did just that.  And we don’t blame her, we all understand the emotional issues she had to live with.  We accept her.  (she has acceptance, but not happiness)

By the same token, I have another sister.  She did not allow her circumstances to hold her back.  She did a truly amazing job of overcoming our circumstances and moving on to build a happy, successful life.  She did a much better job than I did.  She has been an inspiration to me all of my adult life.  You see, we are survivors.  When you are faced with something bad, you have 2 choices.  You can crawl into a fetal position & give up or you can stand up & fight, face your limitations and be an overcomer. 

I wasn’t about to let my difficult start in life get the best of me, no way.  I stumbled around for years tripping over my problems caused by my difficult childhood.  And every time, I picked myself back up, pointed myself in the right direction and started out again.  Knowing full well I was going to have to do it all again in a short period of time.  But I also knew that every time I did, so long as I kept moving forward, I was getting somewhere.  Every step brought me further away from my problems.  I refused to give up. 

I apply that same method to being fat.  I refuse  to accept it.  I won’t play the victim in my own life, that role doesn’t work for me.  I am going to demand better, from myself and from those around me.  My ultimate happiness is not dependent on people accepting  my problems.  It depends on me taking responsibility and overcoming  my problems.  Sorry, but I am tired of overweight people assuming it’s only hard for them.  Let me tell you a little secret, it’s hard for everyone.  Success is 100% results based.  We don’t get credit for trying, we get credit for making it happen.  And if you feel that’s an unfair playing field, then gather up your marbles and go home.  Because this is how the world works.

I don’t make the rules, I just live by them.  All the while, figuring out how to achieve my goals within the confines of rules I didn’t make.  And I totally accept you.  I accept that you have chosen to be overweight.  I accept that you gave up when it got hard.    You see, the world doesn’t hate you because you’re fat, the world just doesn’t care.  The world cares only about achievement and bottom-line results. 

I live in the same world you do.  I know the world isn’t going to accept me.  You’re right about one thing, we are never thin enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, smart enough, young enough.  None of us will ever measure up.  None of us are good enough for the world’s standards.  But the difference between you & me is I don’t allow the world to dictate my value.  I dictate my value.  Fat acceptance seems to be more about the overweight person not being able to accept themselves.  The hate appears to be coming from within.  Crying out about how hard life is, how mean everyone is.  How no one understands them.  How unfair it all is- to them.

Jeez, I wish the hardest thing I ever had to overcome in my life was a weight problem.  Unfortunately for me, that was not the case.   Many people are dealing with emotional problems.  Overweight people haven’t cornered that market.  Maybe you just need to learn some acceptance.  The world is hard – for everyone.  Accept it.  I think the best solution I can offer is for you to take a class, get some bridge-building skills.  Draw up some plans, acknowledge it’s going to be hard.  Build that bridge and…

get over it.  That’s what the rest of us had to do.

 

**Disclaimer** – Many of you that know me may be confused at my assertive tone in the above post.  Let me give you some insight to the world of FA, from my perspective.  This post is just a guy talking about why he is bothered by FA blogs:  http://unfatblog.wordpress.com/2008/05/19/two-faces-of-fat-acceptance/.  He does a better job explaining things than I do.  This next blog kinda highlights the anger & meanness of the FAbloggers: http://kateharding.net/comments-policy/.  She’s pretty vulgar & rude.  That’s gotta be more than just being overweight.  The joy & energy they take in putting someone in their place is what got me upset in the first place.  April & I have had a chance to ‘talk’ at each other,   we both come from very different perspectives, but I think we are making headway with each other, as evidenced here:   http://roundshape.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/fun-and-hair/   and here:  http://roundshape.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/what-does-time-change/  (scroll all the way to the bottom of that one).  You can see in her ‘well-crafted’ response how defensive she is towards me, though I hadn’t even attacked her.  Instead of just speaking from the heart, she has to work at trying to diminish me to her blog-followers.  I am gaining an understanding of her defensiveness, so I crossed that line out.  April is at least one that is making an attempt at listening to others perspectives.  I appreciate that.

For many of the other blogs, it is still alot of bitterness & anger.  Is that an example of the ‘loving’ attitude they want us to exhibit towards them?  I had hoped I could have engaged in useful conversation with women that had more experience with being overweight, that I could gain a healthy understanding of what to look for, how to succeed.  They are far too closed off to offer any insight.  They take offense at just about everything that isn’t blatant agreement with them.  They are just downright unfriendly, simply stated.  They mistake power for aggression.  I really dislike when women do that.  It makes it harder on the rest of us.  People aren’t going to take their demands for acceptance seriously mingled with such anger & mean-spiritedness.  They will do more harm for their ’cause’ than good.  But don’t try to explain it to them.  They already have it all figured out.  How sad.

(edited on June 19th, 2009)

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How do you come back from a day like Friday?  I’ll start with an update.  Yesterday I weighed in at 174lbs.  This morning, 173lbs.  My initial chart  had my goal for yesterday at 165lbs.  I am 9lbs off.  I will have to add that 9lbs to the 10 weeks remaining to wash it out.  So, now I have the very difficult task of having to add 1 additional pound to each week.  On a schedule that is already not working.  The next 2 weeks will determine whether I need to extend my dieting time or not. 

The chart shows I have to be at 163lbs by this coming Monday.  I will not lose 11lbs in one week, but that is ok.  So long as I can get to a point where I’m losing 1 or 2 pounds a week.  Gaining weight with all this dieting got the better of me last week.  But I am not going to give up.

Since Saturday I have been strongly back on the ‘correct‘ diet.  High-protein, quality carbs.  No Fruit!!  I will be able to eat fruit in September, just not now.  I read over some previous posts and I gotta tell you, they are pretty boring.  Sorry for that.  In an attempt to maintain my focus, I have to get bogged down in details that are just not that entertaining.  Bear with me, it’s all up from here…

Sorting through the myths & hype.  That is starting to look like one of the most important aspects of why dieting is so difficult.  Most people I know are relatively reasonable individuals.  I think if we have facts to go by, we will make smart choices.  It seems as though the higher health-care costs become, the more willing people are to make healthy choices.  Look at how many of us are beginning to quit smoking.  So many people I know are exercising more and eating better food.  I believe it is our nature to take control & work for successful outcomes.  That becomes very difficult when we can’t get true, accurate information.  We walk down these successions of dead-ends.  We jump from one fad to another.  The only consistance we seemingly can find is that none of it is true.

The industry has gotten so deceptive.  They will cloak it in whatever they can to get us to buy it.  Government reports, medical studies and the like.  There is a true, black & white answer to our out-of-control weight problem.  And it’s not in all the hype they are force-feeding us.  I don’t have the answer yet, but it has something to do with metabolism.  Our body’s natural survival system. 

When you modify your metabolism through diet, it takes a few weeks for the changes to occur.  It’s kinda like when the DR gives you certain medicines, how they take several weeks to start to work.  This is true of thyroid medicines, as well as SSRI’s & DRI’s.  Drugs that affect our hormone levels.  So that leads me to postulate the same is true of dietary changes.  (yeah, I know, you’re cringing because I used the word postulate & I’m not even a scientist.)

The acceptance of postulation is one of the issues.  Postulate – pos‧tu‧late – its both a noun & a verb.  As a noun:

  1. Something assumed without proof as being self-evident or generally accepted, especially when used as a basis for an argument.  2.  A fundamental element; a basic principle. (logic) An axiom.  3.  A requirement; a prerequisite

As a verb:  to postulate (third-person singular simple present postulates, present participle postulating, simple past and past participle postulated) 

  1. To assume as a truthful or accurate premise or axiom, especially as a basis of an argument.  2.  To appoint or request one’s appointment to an ecclesiastical office.  3.To request, demand or claim for oneself.

It’s a great word, I just never understood why it became an accepted practice of scientists & doctors.  At it’s root, it means to assume.  When did assumptions become facts.  Look at all of your weight-loss facts.  They are not rooted in scientific accuracies, merely assumptions.  No wonder we can’t get any of it to work.

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Weigh-in: 175lbs. [caution, whine alert, caution, whine alert]  Gee, musta been all the strenuous riding I did all week.  Or maybe, the overly careful calculations of the 1800 calorie, 7-meals-a-day diet.  What ever it was, I am depleted.  I sit here, trying to find the word to describe the depth of which I’ve sunk from this weigh-in.

Let me apologise upfront.  Today I am a sucking, black hole of despair.  I’m devastated, depressed, overwhelmed, angry.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting to be thin when I weighed in today.  I work very hard at remaining reasonable with my expectations.  I know it’s not going to happen over night.  The whole ‘you didn’t get this way in a few weeks, blah, blah blah’.  I’m all over that, no worries.  But to work so hard this week, and be at the same place????

Two weeks ago, I was at 171lbs.  I did better with my calorie intake this week and rode my bike alot.  And I weigh more!!  What is up with that??  This is Failure Number Two!!  I’m not going to give up.  I did ride today.  I did the required 1hr 17min, with tears streaming down my face the whole way.  God, it’s been a long time since I cried while riding.

I’m trying to gather resolve from somewhere deep inside.  Maybe if I bitched a little, get some of this off my chest.    I am angry.  The weight-loss industry is no different that the fashion or beauty industry.  It is all B*LLSH*T.  The ‘mathematic-diet-scientist’ was dead wrong!  There he sits, with his ‘obviously faster metabolism’  scrawniness stating with his arrogant, nasally accent- ‘it’s all about the math.  If you burn more calories than you take in, you will lose the weight.  It’s simple, really’

Really???  That’s odd.  I burned a helluva lot of calories this week.  And I carefully watched my diet.  In fact, I was in a calorie-deficit every single day this week.  And I did not lose one single pound.  In fact, I weigh a pound more today than I did on Monday.  But, they will still spin their lies:  well, you must be working out too strenuously.  Oh?  But what about the simple math???  The more strenuously you work out, the more calories you burn, right?  So, mathematically, you would lose, right?  Wrong!

‘Well, you must have hit a plateau’.  Oh, is that so?  You know, I’m not a complete idiot.  I planned for a plateau, I researched it.  A plateau comes from your body slowing your metabolism when it senses distress.  I made sure to eat enough calories to avoid that, while still having a calorie deficit.  I should have seen a ‘slowing of loss’, but not a complete stop.  I’m taking thyroid medicine, for god’s sake.  That in it’s self would override a metabolic plateau.

Actually, I have no one to blame but myself.  I know what works for me.  I know it, it is fact.  It is science, it is real.  I preach it to all of you.  But last week & this week, I doubted myself.  I want to lose this weight so bad, I started thinking, ‘you know, maybe you don’t know so much’.  And, ‘maybe you should listen to others, maybe there is some truth out there you need to pay attention to‘.

And so, I lost another week to mistakes.  That makes it 2 weeks, total.  It really bothers me.  My daughter sometimes reads my blog.  She’s in school to be a scientist.  She’s very smart, really.  And she always refutes my ideology with statements about how she needs to check out what I say on google.  To make sure I am dealing with fact, not fantasy.  Well little one, do that now.  (and I mean that in the most loving way)  Google weight-loss.  See what you find.

See if you can sift through all the fantasy out there.  Call me straightaway, if you find any fact.  In the meanwhile, I’ll be googling for ‘a thousand different ways to cook an egg’.  And searching for blogs on ‘high protein, quality carb’ weight loss success.  And next week?  Next week I will be hard-core protein-ing my way down the scale.  You see, I got scared.  I want to lose weight, and I want to be healthy.  There’s alot of talk out there on fruit being important to ward off cancer.  You know, the whole ‘anti-oxidant’ thing.  And I’ve had cancer, so I wanted to find a way to diet that helped me lose the weight while giving my body the nutrients necessary to fight disease.

Well, being safe from cancer is going to have to wait until August.  The only carbs to cross my lips for the next several weeks will be spinach.  That’s the only one that works.  Simple, easy to understand, science.  Protein causes your body to burn stored fat, so long as your carb intake stays low.  You have to drink alot of water, but it works.  Every time.  Now, to find a way to get past this discouraging place I’ve landed in.  Well… there’s always tomorrow…

Actually, that is true.  Because tomorrow is Saturday.  We have the beginner rides.  Do come & ride with me tomorrow.  The beginner rides always motivate me and make me feel better.  Watching these riders show up, push through their fear and trepidation, overcome their weaknesses and come out at the end of the ride victorious.  Yes, that always makes me feel good.  That is what I need tomorrow, that will refuel me.

Sunday’s ride with the intermediate riders gets me ready for the upcoming week.  It challenges me.  I like it.  But it’s very different from Saturday.  So, wanna help me feel better?  Come ride with me tomorrow…

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June 4, 2009

Today I weighed in at 172lbs.  Yesterday morning it was 173lbs.  I rode Tuesday night, Wednesday morning and last night I did the brick training, so run-walking & riding.  I’m fatigued.  I’m discouraged.  When Guy (my most-wonderful hubby) & I woke up this morning, I felt discouraged.  He immediately started in with a heart-felt pep-talk.  No, no, you don’t need to feel discouraged sweetheart, yada, yada, yada.  Yes, Guy, I really am feeling discouraged.  But it’s ok.  I’m ok. 

I am going to have times when I’m discouraged, deflated, frustrated with exercise and all these crazy diet details.  I am going to have all of those feelings, and I will have to find a way through them.  Without giving up!

I spent 2 years pretending… I’m not fat, I exercise enough, I can eat this food…. on & on & on, ad nauseum.  Where did all that pretending get me?  Fatter- frustrated-discouraged-deflated.  Not where I was hoping to be.  So this time, we’ll do it a little different.  I’m discouraged today – and the world won’t come screeching to a deadly halt.  It is totally ok to feel the way I do, in fact, it’s normal.

I’ve been expending alot of energy every day.  With the daily riding, all the calculated food choices, constantly having to stop what I’m doing to eat.  It’s certainly keeps me busy.  And today, I’m gonna let myself feel a little discouraged.  Then when I’m done, I’m going to go back to having the perserverance to get me to my goal.  It is important to be honest with ourselves.  Self-integrity is vital to reaching any goal.  Plus, I have enough people pretending for me.

I know they all mean well. But it concerns me.  An example:  I forgot sunscreen while shooting photos this past weekend, so my face got alot of sun, it’s real tan.  Monday afternoon I ran into a friend.  She went on & on about how thin I looked, how the diet must really be ‘doing the trick’.  Well, last time I saw her, I was at 165lbs.  Monday, at 174lbs.  So, it’s safe to say I’m not really thinner, just more tan.  But she wants to encourage me so badly.  I know she means well, however, it becomes hard to know who’s being honest & who’s just being polite.

Maybe it’s just the way I am.  If you’ve ridden hills with me, there’s a good chance I’ve made it to the top before you.  I’m not going to pretend you are faster than you are just to fluff you up.  What I will do is ride those hills with you every time, beat you up every one I can.  And one day, if you keep trying, you are going to blow me away.  And when you do, it will be real.  You’ll know that you are stronger than I am in the hills.  And I will be happy and proud of your accomplishment!!

By the same token, when someone tells me I am thinner, I want it to be real.  I have a strange view on well-meant deceptions masquerading as politeness.  Have you ever gone to a restaurant & seen an obese person at dinner with their family?  I’m not talking over-weight, like me, I’m talking true obesity.  Ever notice that everyone at the table pretends that nothing is wrong?  No polite, well-meaning person will ever tell that fat girl or guy that they are fat.  Oh, my goodness, no – that would be so mean.  So everyone will just keep pretending, keep being polite.  And one day, that obese person will die, probably of weight-related illnesses.

Then, after they die, as an obese person, everyone that knows them will be talking about what a shame it was.  See, this confuses me.  Why didn’t someone say something to that person?  How come the people that loved them the most didn’t take a stand, out of love?  I’ve never understood this.  Is it really love, if you take the easy way out?  ‘Well, I wanted to say something, but, you know, they wouldn’t have listened to me’.  So tell them anyway. Tell them over & over again til they do listen.  ‘Oh, I wanted to say something, really I did, but, it was so hard talking with them about their weight.  It was too uncomfortable for me’.  So, get a little uncomfortable, maybe it will save their life.

[pushes the microphone away, jumps down off the soapbox, wanders off aimlessly into the crowd.]

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