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Posts Tagged ‘sadness’

Yes, I cheated yesterday & I’m back up to 168lbs.  Yes, I am not makingaaa girly_girls_lift_weights_tshirt-p235039136489522999gsv1_325

 progress yet, but I’ll get to that in a moment.  So, I’m all excited about the running and then, wait. not so fast…

Here’s the deal with the Dr.  Seems I didn’t mess up my back last month – my back’s been messed up since birth.  Pars defect of spondylolisthesis.  This seems pretty crazy given the fact that my back has always been so strong.  But He’s got the fancy doctor’s office with the PA, nurse, waiting room & all, so I’ll have to acquiesce.

A genetic defect in my spine that I’ve had forever.  This was good & bad news, but mostly good.  Good – no spine fracture.  Bad – vertebrae slippage.  Good – treatment only requires at-home PT.  Bad – no more running.

aaa 0904_woman_with-weight_preview“No Running For You!”  From the exercise nazi.  ( a Seinfeld reference, yeah.)  Remembering I am in a positive place now, no hard feelings.  Deep relaxing breath.  I am so glad I didn’t blow that $165 on those running shoes.  Moving on from here I just need to figure out where to go instead.  I was excited about the running because it was making an impact on the weight loss.  But I think the impact on my spine in future years will be too high a price to pay.  Hmmm, what to do instead.

High repetition weight training.  Core work outs.  Notice how we intuitively gravitate towards what isaaa strength best for us?  My favorite form of exercise has always been weight-training.  Seems with the situation with my spine, this was probably the best, aside from maybe swimming. (I hate swimming in chlorine)  Now, back to the problem I was having a few months ago – why has it become so hard to go upstairs to the gym in my house and weight train?

Well, it seems for now, I have the PT exercising to do as I prepare for my long rides starting next week (OMG, so soon?)  That will keep me busy to begin.  Then I’ll just have to resort to forcing myself through the first few days.  Maybe I can do it like the cycling & give a beginner weight-training class.  Seems like when I have people show up for something, I seem to get the work done. 

IMG_2525-1 reversedMaybe I’ll get back to serious practice with the fire-spinning & belly-dancing. (yes, that’s me in the picture!!)  I guess I just worry that the calorie burn won’t be high enough.  To off-set it, I’ll have to dramatically increase my lean muscle mass.  I gotta tell you, it is hard to ‘feel-the-burn’ when doing hip-shimmy’s & belly-rolls.  Sorry this is such a whiny, boring post today.  Get this off my chest & tomorrow head in a new direction.

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Wow, two whole weeks without posting.  Weigh-in this morning has me at 167lbs.  Post-ride was 166lbs.   I cheated over the weekend.  I spent a week & a half being sick, somehow convinced myself the only way to survive was with chocolate cake & ice cream.  What I found interesting is the illness was brought on after consuming sugar. 

I know this sounds crazy, but it happens every single time I go back to sugary foods.  Almost as if it weakens my immune system.  I eat the sugary food and get a full-blown sinus infection.  It starts in my head & does not go away until it works it’s way into my chest.  So strange.

I want to talk about food addictions.  But before I do, I want to say out loud again what I did on Monday morning.  I rode 27 miles on the bike, then I ran (yes, me, running, not walking) 3 complete miles.  It was amazing and I am so happy.  Now, we had a hill-climbing clinic scheduled for last night.  About 2pm yesterday afternoon, I went to stand up from my desk and discovered I could barely walk.  It was hilarious!!  And none of you know it but, man, I was in so much pain teaching how to climb hills last night.  Ha!!

So, food addictions.  I’ve been talking with a lot of people and I don’t think they understand it.  Many of them think it is just that they eat way too much, like they lack the ‘willpower’ to control their eating.  Almost like they are compulsive overeaters.  What I’ve learned from all my all protein, high quality carb eating is that when you consume certain foods, it increases you appetite tremendously. 

So when I speak about food addictions, I’m talking about our bodies natural response to the types of food we eat, not our inability to control our eating.  This is not to be confused with true eating disorders, which I know nothing about.  But I know a lot of people that, with a diet that includes pasta, bread or potatoes, (or god forbid potatoes chips, fried or fast food)  see a large increase in their appetite – and they don’t have an eating disorder. 

I know for Guy & myself,  after eating food like that, it is as if someone flipped a switch & we are ravenously hungry no matter how much we ingest.  Going back to the protein- quality carb diet makes this go away.  After a few days, I can eat a 200 or 300 calorie meal & be satiated for several hours.  Now, if it was an eating disorder, it wouldn’t stop because I changed the type of food I eat.  Right?

What can be done?  First you have to see the problem, it is not your inability to control your appetite.  Certain foods trigger hunger in our system.  Removing them removes the intense hunger.  Puts us back in a place where we can consume a reasonable amount of food and feel satisfied.

Some foods are addictive & our bodies go through a period of intense cravings.  Removing them from our diet will cause our bodies to go through withdrawal symptoms.  But you have to understand this only lasts 4 or 5 days.  The benefit to working through the withdrawal from these foods is you feel better physically.  This happens to me every time.   After the withdrawal, I felt so much better. 

It takes anywhere from 5 to 10 days to completely clean your system of these ‘trigger’ foods.  Now that I am eating mostly protein with quality carbs, if I have a day where I eat poor quality carbs, I am only affected for a few hours, instead of days.  And suddenly I am in control.  I am still affected by stress, but it is a hundred times more manageable. 

Once you are able to see that certain foods cause you to overeat, you can work at modifying your diet so it is fueling your body to be healthy.  Do you remember that?  Food is fuel for our bodies.  So if what we are eating isn’t making us strong & healthy, we need to eat something else.  What you will find is it is much easier to control what you eat once you remove the trigger foods.

So many of these addictive foods cause depression.  And there are so many people running around depressed.  There must be some correlation.  Seems as though the Dr’s find it easier to throw dangerous medications at us instead of looking at possible causes such as diet, or disease.

Sugar has been linked to cancer, although I had difficulty disseminating the real info from the hype.  There is enough info out there to cause me to make some changes.  Sugar is highly addictive.  Something I’ve seen so many times with my diet modifications.  I’m going to continue to look into this.  I get crazy-hungry after eating sugary foods.

What is fueling your hunger?  What are you eating?  Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone and remove certain foods for 10 days to see how you feel?  Ready to get responsible with your health?

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I can’t believe it’s been a whole week since I posted.   Work is vying for my attention.  But I am going to stay focused; on the riding, eating 2000 times a day and blogging about it.  I made a commitment to myself.  If I can’t keep commitments to myself, what good am I to any one?  Weigh-in this morning, 166lbs pre-ride, 165lbs post-ride.  This is a very big milestone for me today.  According to my goal chart, I am supposed to be at 158.5lbs.  6.5lbs off track.  I was supposed to be at 165lbs on June 8th.   That’s 3 weeks off track.  Sad, I didn’t stay on track.  But I will focus on the positive.  I’m not 175lbs or even 170lbs.

I remember the last time I weighed 165lbs.  I thought I’d never get back to this.  It’s disheartening in a way, because 165lbs on me is fat.  And that is so unnecessary.  I never should have let it get this out of hand.  But, it is what it is.  Now I want to focus my energy on losing the weight. 

Hey, this will be fun… how about gross fat pictures of me I’m too scared to post anywhere else???  Sure, there is no humility left  once you’ve blogged to the world about your fatness.  Why not!

180lbs b

 

This was me in May 2009.  180lbs, largest I’ve ever been in my whole life.  It was 88` that day, really hot.  But I was safe, cuz I had my fat clothes on.  Long sleeves & long pants.  Baggy & dark coloured.  It is my hope that I never get to this weight again in my life.

 (oh, and for all you ‘calories in – calories burned=weight loss’ dummies:  That is me, eating 1800 calories a day & riding 175 miles a week.  The only thing that has enabled me to lose the weight is the meds I’m on.  Kinda blows yer little formula all to hell, eh??) 

100_6653

 

 

This is me during the Tour De Cure May 2008.  173lbs, not a pretty sight.  So to those of you still arguing with me that I’m not fat, here’s the proof!

 

 

 

 

165lbs ok

 

 

This is me riding the MS150 in 2006.  161lbs.  That was back when I thought THIS was fat!  Who knew it would get worse.  Wow, look at how thin Guy was then…

 

 

The positive.  There are clothes in my closet I have not worn in a long time that now will fit me.  A whole group of ‘fat’ clothes I bought when I first became fat.  I haven’t been able to wear them until now because I was too big.  Making some progress.  It’s little steps, and I am thankful to God for each one of them he grants me..  This is cool.  And look what else I found in my closet this morning:  IMG_1028

 

Not only did I find it, I also used it.  See the ‘fat-girl’ impressions on the carpet???  I did core training. 1 five-set, 25 repititions group.  And 1 one-minute plank.  It was amazing!

  

 

I think it may have been last week I said I was going to start strength & core training.   I have to find some time tonight to do my shoulder workout.  This is one of the last habits I need to build.  Remember back here:  Habits.  I have to find a way to make weight training doable.  I already enjoy it alot, but I haven’t been able to get started with it again.  Post up a comment if you have any idea what it may be.

I had an epiphany last week.  But it’s such a big one, I haven’t had time to write about it.  Maybe later this week…

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It’s Monday again.  Trudging along, one step after another.  Weigh in for this morning is 167lbs.  I am supposed to be 160.75lbs today.  Almost 7 pounds off.  I am thinking about what to do with that.  I am 3 weeks off.  This is what I should have weighed on June 1st.  Do I continue forward being behind, knowing in the back of my mind that I’m off track.  Do I reset my dates & weights  to reflect where I am at today?  I don’t know what to do.  I wish someone would leave a comment on which they think I should do & why.

More Hype, More Bullsh*t:

Did you see the government changed to food pyramid?  Yes, here it is.

New One food-pyramid new

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old One  Food-Pyramid old

 

 

Oooo0hh, it’s so pretty with all the bright primary colors.  Do you see the differences?  Grain, cereal & pasta is still the largest group.  I don’t understand why they wasted,I mean spent, all that tax money without doing any substantive research on the problems causing obesity.  Cereals & pasta, flour & breads are what is causing the majority of metabolic problems & overweight issues.  They didn’t even spend any money researching that.

Aahh, that excellent math formula.    With this, they don’t have to do any research at all on metabolic changes due to food types.  No discussion on how insulin works in our bodies and how that can be strongly impacted by types of food ingested:

food pyramid scale1

 

There is no factual, unbiased scientific data that supports calories in minus calories burned equals weight loss – every time.  No where does the government allocate any of our money to do proper research for that either.  See, I do believe we have a problem with obesity in America.  But instead of beating up on all the overweight people because they are gluttons that are too damn lazy to lose weight, they should be doing better research to understand what dietary changes are causing such a wide spread problem.

I suspect one reason they don’t is because they are too corporate-friendly.  I read something earlier today that the government research shows Nesquik is a healthy choice of beverage for kids.  Since 50 percent of kids don’t get enough calcium***, Nesquik is a great solution that parents can rely on to get more calcium in their kids’ diet.  Each serving of Nesquik provides all of the nutrition of milk, plus it is specially fortified with essential bone building nutrients such as calcium, Vitamin C, Vitamin B6, Zinc and Biotin.   No where does it discuss the harmfulness of amping your kids up on that much refined sugar.  Look at how much trouble they have discussing how bad fruit juices are due to the refined sugar content.

What can we do about this???

We have some really great things happening.  Twitter, facebook, blogs.  Especially blogs.  I was so impressed to see what a strong vehicle blogs can be for getting new ideas out.  But can we direct the benefits?  Can someone blog about something and really gain media attention?  I wonder about this.  I wonder if regular people will be able to talk about something in a blog and really get a large number of people interested.  Would the media attention really foster changes in say, the food industry, or the government?

You all remember the documetary “Super-Size Me”.  

‘Coincidentally (not) shortly after Super Size Me was released, McDonald’s announced it was going to discontinue it’s Super Size menu. They of course denied it had anything to do with the film.’

So, this brought a small change.  But my husband just told me he thinks they still do some form of super-sizing.  We have a really great thing here in America, we are consumers.  But we have forgotten that is where our strength lies.  Our ability to NOT buy certain products.  What if we were able to organize a tweet up, post info on facebook & advertise it on blogs and hundreds of thousands of people all over the US didn’t go into, say, McDonalds for a day, (or  a week).  And the blog ad could explain that we were doing it to motivate the company to make real changes to their poisonous food.

Could we find a way to influence researchers to do more accurate studies on the relationship to food type & metabolic changes caused by them on a molecular level.  Find a real answer to why so many people cannot lose weight from a normal, healthy lifestyle.

What are your thoughts?????

 

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Weigh-in 172lbs.  And I’m actually feeling good about that.  Getting down to 167lbs last week shows me that I am losing, I am able to lose.  It makes me feel good.  Even though I am keeping what may seem like a rigid time-line for this weight loss, I know that it’s not going to be a straight, consistent downhill line.  Little ups & downs are expected.

Yesterday was a cheat day.  This is an old body-building secret.  On a high-protein, quality carb diet you have to find little ways to shock your metabolism so it doesn’t get stuck.  Every two weeks,  you have a ‘cheat’ meal.  So yesterday I had eggs for breakfast,  eggs & oysters for dinner and for lunch I had a ‘normal’ meal.  High calorie (2200 cal), Southwest vegetable roll, spinach artichoke dip with chips and chocolate cake & ice cream.  We ate at Alexanders in the Quarry.  And sure enough, this morning my eyes were practically swollen shut, ankles & feet super puffy & it was really hard to breathe.  It was funny!!  The joys of food allergies.  Total calorie intake for the day was 2600 cal.  That’s only 800 calories more than usual.

Today we make changes and do modifications.  I am going to attempt to take my calories to 1600 daily.  I’m trying really hard not to throw my body into thinking I’m starving.  Keep in mind, I ride A LOT.  I’ve dropped my calorie intake too far down too fast before with similar amounts of exercise and my metabolism slowed WAY down.  So the change is: my 10am & 4pm meals will drop to 300 cal, which lowers the total for the day to 1600 cal.

This week begins mandatory core training & adding weight training.  I have been dreading this for 2 reasons.  One- It seems I’ve lost all my weight-training discipline.  Two- The riding & eating constantly already takes alot of time.  I am going to really have to trim time wasters & become better at time management.  I am trying to stay focused on the fact that it is ok to make short-term sacrifices to improve my overall well being & health.  Truth be told, I just don’t make a happy fat person.  To get started on my changes, I have to do core training for 10 minutes twice every day this week.  Today I will work out my shoulders for 45min-1hr.  That is all I have to do.  <speaking to myself>  That is all you have to do, get to the end of this day having done just those 3 things.  Please.

What Monday would be complete without a rant. 

Imagine, if you will, stumbling onto an Alcoholics Acceptance Support Group blog.  Reading through the posts and comments you find all these people with unhealthy drinking habits that refuse to go to AA meetings because it doesn’t make them feel better about themselves.  After all, any effective AA program is going to require a person to be responsible with their illness, work towards improving their physical & emotional health, along with some level of moderate success.  Right?  The program would be considered a failure if it didn’t require some accountability from the participants. 

But that makes these people feel bad about themselves.  After all, it’s not ‘their’ fault they have this problem.  They have a family history of alcoholism, and we live in such a toxic world.  It’s really difficult for them to get better.  Shrouded in emotional issues that they can’t help, they need someone to understand them, to accept them.  And they are fed up with all of those hateful, non-alcoholic people trying to give them advice, telling them it’s easy to stop drinking.  So they build a safe haven, an acceptance blog.  A place where they can all go and ‘support‘ one another with their drinking.  

If you read through the rules, no one is allowed to post anything about a possible solution, or to give advice on lifting themselves out of their circumstances.  Do not threaten their victim status.  Their single committed focus is on acceptance.  Love them for their disease, or go away.  Besides, they’re not really unhealthy.  They have just chosen to live their lives to different standards.  And the rest of the world needs to accept that. 

Because we are talking about alcoholism,  the above 2 paragraphs sound ludicrous.  Alcoholics need to understand there are ways to remedy their addiction to alcoholism.  They need to know their family & friends aren’t trying to be mean, they’re trying to get them healthy.  But if you change the topic from alcoholism to obesity, everything gets turned around and suddenly I am being mean for even bringing it up.

Sorry to rant, but I just don’t get it.  I’m talking about the myriad of Fat Acceptance Support Group blogs that I found last week.  Blog after blog after blog, they all scream victim in a loud, shrilling voice.  I know I have no right to even talk about these people, or their blogs, having lived almost all my life being thin & beautiful.  I should be ashamed of myself.  But like I said, I don’t get it.  I had a really not good, bad-bad childhood.  From all accounts I could have left home & spent the rest of my life trapped in addiction, pity & excuseable failure.  Upon hearing the circumstances of my childhood, most people would have said it was understandable for that to happen.  Heck, one of my sisters did just that.  And we don’t blame her, we all understand the emotional issues she had to live with.  We accept her.  (she has acceptance, but not happiness)

By the same token, I have another sister.  She did not allow her circumstances to hold her back.  She did a truly amazing job of overcoming our circumstances and moving on to build a happy, successful life.  She did a much better job than I did.  She has been an inspiration to me all of my adult life.  You see, we are survivors.  When you are faced with something bad, you have 2 choices.  You can crawl into a fetal position & give up or you can stand up & fight, face your limitations and be an overcomer. 

I wasn’t about to let my difficult start in life get the best of me, no way.  I stumbled around for years tripping over my problems caused by my difficult childhood.  And every time, I picked myself back up, pointed myself in the right direction and started out again.  Knowing full well I was going to have to do it all again in a short period of time.  But I also knew that every time I did, so long as I kept moving forward, I was getting somewhere.  Every step brought me further away from my problems.  I refused to give up. 

I apply that same method to being fat.  I refuse  to accept it.  I won’t play the victim in my own life, that role doesn’t work for me.  I am going to demand better, from myself and from those around me.  My ultimate happiness is not dependent on people accepting  my problems.  It depends on me taking responsibility and overcoming  my problems.  Sorry, but I am tired of overweight people assuming it’s only hard for them.  Let me tell you a little secret, it’s hard for everyone.  Success is 100% results based.  We don’t get credit for trying, we get credit for making it happen.  And if you feel that’s an unfair playing field, then gather up your marbles and go home.  Because this is how the world works.

I don’t make the rules, I just live by them.  All the while, figuring out how to achieve my goals within the confines of rules I didn’t make.  And I totally accept you.  I accept that you have chosen to be overweight.  I accept that you gave up when it got hard.    You see, the world doesn’t hate you because you’re fat, the world just doesn’t care.  The world cares only about achievement and bottom-line results. 

I live in the same world you do.  I know the world isn’t going to accept me.  You’re right about one thing, we are never thin enough, beautiful enough, rich enough, smart enough, young enough.  None of us will ever measure up.  None of us are good enough for the world’s standards.  But the difference between you & me is I don’t allow the world to dictate my value.  I dictate my value.  Fat acceptance seems to be more about the overweight person not being able to accept themselves.  The hate appears to be coming from within.  Crying out about how hard life is, how mean everyone is.  How no one understands them.  How unfair it all is- to them.

Jeez, I wish the hardest thing I ever had to overcome in my life was a weight problem.  Unfortunately for me, that was not the case.   Many people are dealing with emotional problems.  Overweight people haven’t cornered that market.  Maybe you just need to learn some acceptance.  The world is hard – for everyone.  Accept it.  I think the best solution I can offer is for you to take a class, get some bridge-building skills.  Draw up some plans, acknowledge it’s going to be hard.  Build that bridge and…

get over it.  That’s what the rest of us had to do.

 

**Disclaimer** – Many of you that know me may be confused at my assertive tone in the above post.  Let me give you some insight to the world of FA, from my perspective.  This post is just a guy talking about why he is bothered by FA blogs:  http://unfatblog.wordpress.com/2008/05/19/two-faces-of-fat-acceptance/.  He does a better job explaining things than I do.  This next blog kinda highlights the anger & meanness of the FAbloggers: http://kateharding.net/comments-policy/.  She’s pretty vulgar & rude.  That’s gotta be more than just being overweight.  The joy & energy they take in putting someone in their place is what got me upset in the first place.  April & I have had a chance to ‘talk’ at each other,   we both come from very different perspectives, but I think we are making headway with each other, as evidenced here:   http://roundshape.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/fun-and-hair/   and here:  http://roundshape.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/what-does-time-change/  (scroll all the way to the bottom of that one).  You can see in her ‘well-crafted’ response how defensive she is towards me, though I hadn’t even attacked her.  Instead of just speaking from the heart, she has to work at trying to diminish me to her blog-followers.  I am gaining an understanding of her defensiveness, so I crossed that line out.  April is at least one that is making an attempt at listening to others perspectives.  I appreciate that.

For many of the other blogs, it is still alot of bitterness & anger.  Is that an example of the ‘loving’ attitude they want us to exhibit towards them?  I had hoped I could have engaged in useful conversation with women that had more experience with being overweight, that I could gain a healthy understanding of what to look for, how to succeed.  They are far too closed off to offer any insight.  They take offense at just about everything that isn’t blatant agreement with them.  They are just downright unfriendly, simply stated.  They mistake power for aggression.  I really dislike when women do that.  It makes it harder on the rest of us.  People aren’t going to take their demands for acceptance seriously mingled with such anger & mean-spiritedness.  They will do more harm for their ’cause’ than good.  But don’t try to explain it to them.  They already have it all figured out.  How sad.

(edited on June 19th, 2009)

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Ha!!  It IS official!!!!!  I weigh under 170lbs.  Weigh-in this morning was <drum-roll, please>  ta-da, 167lbs!!!!!  Do you realize just last month, I weighed 179LBS??  I am riding strong every day, with limited carbs, thank you!  This feels really good.

Ok, excitement out of the way, time to curl up with a good blog & enjoy some whine.  AAAAHHHHGGGGG, I don’t want to be fat any more!  I am tired.  It is hot.  I want to be able to ride my bike in a tank top.  I want to wear a sundress.  Do you have any idea how long it has been since I wore a sundress??  I want to drive in my car in a sleeveless shirt & not be sweating like crazy every time I go somewhere.  Right now, I don’t do sleeveless.  I want to wear all my pretty clothes.  I am so tired of being frumpy.

I’d like to walk thru a busy store & know I no longer am ‘the fat blonde, in the black shirt’.  I wear black most of the time, or some other dark color.  I wouldn’t be caught dead in say, a yellow?  I want to wear colors… and white.  White is just not a color that works on me right now- I never knew this.  When you’re thin & tan, white is an amazing color.  When you’re thin, all colors are amazing.

Remember last week when I spoke about the massage thing?  Well, I never went.  Because I feel so gross.  I don’t want anybody rubbing their hands all over my fatness, eww.  I mean, what do I do?  Go in with a list: these are all the places that you better not touch me, got it???  Oh, yeah, that would make for a pleasant, relaxing day.  Not.  I have a $200 gift card from the Watermark downtown.  I can’t bring myself to use it.  Can’t bring myself to go in there as ‘a fat woman’.  I don’t want to gross out the poor masseuse.  Now that I am making some progress, I will save it as a reward.  I’m thinking maybe at 160lbs?  That will be something to work towards.

I want to feel normal.  Fat is not normal.  And for anyone reading, thinking, hey- what’s with that, I’ve been overweight a long time, who does she think SHE is.  With all the love & understanding I can send to you, being overweight isn’t normal.  There is a difference between being a healthy weight & fitting into a size zero jeans.  It is important to be at a healthy weight.  I want to feel good about going out at night to listen to live music.  I love doing that.  We used to go out all the time.  We don’t go anymore.  I don’t do out as a fat woman.  It’s just not any fun.

Oh, yeah, and the big one.  I don’t wanna have fat sex anymore.  Fat sex is no substitute for good sex.  Sorry, Guy, it’s just not.  You have been so good & understanding with this, but I hate it.  I want to feel happy about being naked around my husband.  Around myself, for that matter.  (I don’t even do sleeveless when I’m at the house by myself.)  We don’t do naked at our house.  There always has to be something, a tee, gown, sheet, ya know?  (I know, I know, WAY too much info, sorry)  Feeling good about little things, like leaving the lights on.  Wearing cute things, Guy would so love that.  Did love that.  I don’t think they sell lingerie in plus sizes.  And if they do, it doesn’t matter.  I don’t want to wear lingerie in plus sizes.  I could go on, but you get my point I’m sure.

Ok, I’m done whining.  On to what I really wanted to talk about.  Excuses.  What I am finding out is that just about everyone has this little basket where they keep all their excuses for stuff they should do, but don’t do.  Some of us have these ginormous suitcases, too.  We take it with us every where we go.  As if it would die if we left it unattended for just a moment.  (we probably should leave it somewhere,  but where??)  Your excuse basket has been with you for so long, it’s like an extention of your arm, it’s a part of you.  You probably can’t even see yours.  I can’t see mine, but I know it’s there.

That is one of the problems with the excuse basket.  We aren’t able to see it.  We think, logically of couse, that there are really good reasons why we don’t do the things we should.  A high protein diet?  Sorry, can’t do it.  I need some carbs.  I can’t give up bread.  It’s just a little, it won’t hurt.  Exercise?  Oh, I’d love to, but I don’t have any time.  I have other people to do for, take care of.  Write that book?  Take that class?  Spend time on just me?  Go do the one thing in life that will really make me happy?  We have a carefully crafted excu- no, I mean reason, for everything we don’t do but should.

We all have different words we use.  But not different excuses.  They really are all about the same.  Check it out.  Talk to someone this week about something in their life that they are not doing, but should be.  Listen to what comes back at you.  Excuse.  I am one of the worst.  I am so good at rationalizing my excuses.  Heck, I can convince just about anyone.  So strongly convinced myself- look what happened. 

Remember when I said before that I didn’t get fat overnight?  That is true.  There was a point, when my weight jumped up to 150lbs, that I could have done something.  Straight-away.  I should have looked at what was causing me to eat ice cream every day with Guy.  I was feeling overwhelmed by our new relationship.  And I have to be the one that is always on top of things, I can handle everything.  I’m the go-to person.  The fixer.  Nothing’s wrong.  I’m not scared.  My feelings are in check, just bring me home some Hagen-das, would you.

Like I said before, excuses are insidious.  They slither in, we don’t even see them.  Like Satan tempting Eve in the garden.  We all believe the reasons are valid.  But you know what?  If you are unhealthy, if you are unhappy, if you are unfufilled, something ain’t right.  It’s hard to fix it, because, like I said, we can’t see our own basket.  And all the people around us?  They’re too polite.  They mean well, but it would be helpful, if they just gave it to you straight sometimes. 

Let me show you what I mean.  In April,  I admitted I am fat.  Everyone I talk to disagrees – Oh, no, not you, your not fat. etc.  Once I delt with all the polite naysayers, what happened?  Nothing.  The world didn’t come crashing down around me, the planets didn’t realign with the sun, causing an immediate solar melt down, ending life as we know it.  No, nothing bad happened.  And armed with the truth, I was able to find what is really needed to get my weight to a healthy place.  I became ENPOWERED.  And every day, that is where I live.  Do you know what this gives me?  Well, all those things that I whine about will be gone.  I will live a healthier & happier life, probably a longer life.  That is an incredible thing. 

You know, like Dr. Phil said a long time ago: “How’s that working for you“?  Apply that statement to everything in your life.  I’ve been doing alot of thinking about my excuses lately.  And I think that’s making it easier to see them.  I’ve caught myself, during a beginner bike ride, explaining my really good reason for not riding every day.  Well, I gotta work, ya know.  So, work and ride.  Schedule your time better so you can do both.  If we all looked at our schedules, & I mean reallylooked at our schedules, we would find alot of time that we are wasting. 

Removing cable from my house was so freeing.  As much as I enjoyed it, Law & Order never added anything to my day.  CSI may improve the quality of life for the actors on the show, but it does nothing to my quality of  life.   I get so much more done now.  And I think alot better, too.  You’ve all seen me.  Hey, I’m keeping 20 plates spinning all the time.  It wasn’t like that when I had cable.  Isn’t there like 972 channels now?  Go, get up, get outside, breath, go do something fun.  Figure out what you want to do and do it now.  We ain’t gonna be here forever.

We also need to understand, we can’t conquer excuses on our own.  You can’t battle something you can’t see.  Find someone that loves you enough to tell you every time you offer up excuses and get off track.  If you’ve got them, use your kids.  They are the absolute best at cutting straight through your BS and being brutily honest.  I don’t know if they are better at seeing black & white, or if they’re just eager to get you back for all that discipline you gave them.  But either way, they’re the best.  I don’t know, if you don’t have any kids, maybe you can borrow a friend’s or something.

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Weigh-in this morning was a little encouraging.  I was at 171lbs.  Pre-ride.  After the ride, 169lbs.  I know the post-ride weigh-in doesn’t count, but it did feel good momentarily being below 170lbs.  Monday I was supposed to be at 165lbs, so that’s only 6lbs off.  None of this means anything at all, yet.  What I am seeing today is a weight fluctuation.  Not actual weight loss.  When my weight is fluctuating between 160lbs & 165lbs, that will mean real weight-loss. 

After the last 2 weeks I was really having my doubts that I would ever be below 160lbs ever again in my life.  Seeing these small decreases in weight this week has meant so much to me. Really given me hope.  Like I said before, I’m work hard at not being unrealistic.  However, weight gain with dieting and lots of exercise is confusing.

So, I wandered tentatively out into the vastness of the web yesterday and found the most curious thing.  Fat-Acceptance Support Groups.  These are people that want everyone to accept the fact that they are overweight to an unhealthy level.  They have completely given up on themselves, and they require that you join them in understanding this is all they can do, or LEAVE THEM ALONE. 

I spent way more time than I had reading many of their blogs.  It was really sad.  I guess reading their blogs made me feel similar to how all of you must feel reading mine.  I came away from it with a whole new reason for not wanting to be fat anymore.  I don’t want to struggle with my weight long enough to get to where they are.

They have been lied to, harassed, beaten down, kicked, told they have no value, told they are stupid & on & on & on.  It is incredible.  They appear to be in a place they are incapable of escaping from.  And what is sadder is, they cannot be helped.  They are so psychologically beaten down, they can no longer be reasoned with.  My guess is you can only walk down a long dead-end road so many times before your spirit finally breaks.

I wanted to reach out to them, to help them somehow.  I wanted to tell them not to feel the way they do.  Not to give up on themselves.  To tell them to pick a small spot on the side of the road, and one step at a time, begin walking back up that seemingly insurmountable mountain in front of them, focusing only on the tiny little steps they were taking, not concerning themselves with how far they’d come, or how far they still had to go, only on the fact that they were successfully taking one step followed by another.

But I knew it would not do any good.  They are in a truly dismal place.  I will not arrogantly think for one moment that the 3 years I’ve spent being fat gives me any understanding of what to say to them.  I have been blessed most of my life.  I’ve been relatively attractive, relatively thin, relatively successful most of my grown-up life.  My life didn’t start out that wonderful, but God sure did make up for it later on.  So, I was at a loss for words.

Even in the fatness that I find myself in today, I’m still very blessed.  My amazing husband adores me, my friends respect & love me.  One of my children loves me inspite of my weight gain.  Ok, so the other one, you gotta take into account where he’s at in his life.  He is surrounded by really beautiful, really thin, really… uh… voluptuous women, all the time.  He thinks I’m frumpy & overweight.  He said he’s lost some respect for me.  I understand what he means.

Now, I have days where I feel dispair, but that is not a place I reside regularly.  I cannot imagine living there, day in – day out.  This scared me.  Upon gaining this weight, I believed there was nothing worse that could come of it. 

OK, so maybe the little guy at the grocery store doesn’t get all excited about helping me out to my car like he did when I was thinner.  And yes, when I ran out of gas a few months ago, I actually had to call someone to bring me gas because no one stopped to help, that was a first.  So it’s been a while since the gas station guy came running out to fill up my tank at a self-serve pump.  But at least I haven’t lost my will to try.  To fight this weight loss problem with every thing inside me.  To refuse to give in and settle.

I know this, I do not want to feel like I need to belong to a Fat-Acceptance Support Group.  This is like scared-straight.

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